There’s A Lot I Need To Say

Hey blog, it’s been a while.

I hope you’ve been doing well, although also, if you haven’t, then there’s no need to lie and say that you have. Because I know how it is right now.

There’s a lot I have to catch you up on. For starters, I’m no longer in the United States, but in Europe. Moving in the middle of a pandemic was probably a reckless choice. I’ve been criticized for it multiple times, and I’ve also had my own concerns/doubts as to whether this was even really what I wanted. I’ve come to the conclusion that it was, though. Right now, it feels nowhere near as isolating as when I was back in undergrad.

That’s another thing. I know I’ve written on several occasions about college, about my hot-and-cold, love-hate relationship with it. Recently, I’ve come to terms with the fact that our college years have been hyped up by our parents from the 60s and 70s – perhaps even 80s – as these Hollywood films where all elements of your life have a certain confluence. Suddenly, you know what you want to do, you know how to study effectively to please all of your professors, you get your Sex and the City gang of besties, and you meet the love of your life. Needless to say, I’ve realized that none of the above are true for most people in my generation. College nowadays isn’t the glamor that they’ve hyped it up to be. I’m tired of saying things like “maybe that’s okay,” because honestly, it’s not okay when you’re paying so much money and getting yourself into debt, and it’s especially not okay when it all culminates in online school. But while it’s not okay, I’m slowly trying to learn to let myself accept my choices. To own what I did. And to realize that not all of it was just a plain mistake. As cliche as it is, some of it might’ve been a mistake but whatever it was, it was still also a lesson.

All of this to say that my doubts were compounded in a bit of an existential crisis. Where was I going? What was I going to do? Perhaps graduate school is a way to procrastinate on that a bit more. Maybe I’m pinning too much of my hopes on finding that specific niche that I, as an international relations student, should supposedly have.

But in any case, while I prepare for school to start and try to avoid getting caught up in another cycle of basing my worth in external forces (grades), I’ve been thinking about a lot of long term projects for the future. Things I want to do with my life. I want to write more on this blog again, kinda just let my brain mush be published. I want to write poetry everyday again. I want to draw again – maybe a comic about the realities of being in college in the US. I want to make videos of the time I’m spending here, and perhaps make a few about the time that I had in the USA, at college. It’s a bit self-indulgent, I know. But I think I need to take the time to look at who I am again. I figure this might be a good way.

But anyway, blog, thank you for being a good listener/reader. Life is hard but that doesn’t mean it’s bad. I hope that I’ll be able to see you more frequently from now on. Quarantine may be over but we still need to be careful nonetheless. Anyway, take care of yourself. We’ll be in touch.

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